I wonder what you've got conspired, I'm sure it dawns a consolation prize

[echolls_cursed]

It didn't matter. It didn't matter that they'd fought. That they'd tried to compromise. None of that changed the way he'd catch Jack smiling now and then as the other man thought about his thrilling adventure. It didn't change the fact that while Jack had been off playing the hero and having adventures, he'd been home. He hadn't been invited. Not even by Jack.

He wasn't smart enough. He wasn't trained. He wasn't good enough.

He was Logan Echolls- surfer boy. Nothing else. Nothing useful.

It hurt. In fact it hurt more than he was willing to admit. He kept it quiet, and he kept it to himself, but sometimes, when Jack wasn't looking, he found his eyes were just a little damp and that his chest ached. Jack would smile that little smile, and Logan would turn away to hide how angry it made him, and how hurt he was that he'd been left behind. That the other man hadn't thought of him or asked him along. That he hadn't made a case for him or found a way to involve him.

It made him so angry.

Today he'd gone to the office, two cups of coffee in his hands and every intention of making nice- but when he'd reached the door, he'd seen Jack's face- that smile, and he'd known he couldn't go in there. Not without pouring the coffee in the smug bastard's lap.

When he finally made his way home, he found himself still boiling over with anger, and after taking it out on the wall until his knuckles ached and bled- he'd known what he needed to do. He couldn't be here, he couldn't do this anymore. He'd packed a bag, grabbed a gun, and taken some of his personal things. He didn't want to be here- he didn't want to sit in Jack's shadow anymore.

He pulled his necklace off, the tiny shells choking him as he tried to calm down. He left the necklace on the pillow, beside a note that simply said. I'll be back eventually. I love you. It didn't occur to him that it might be a bit cryptic or worrying. He just wanted to go.

He left Linus behind and set off, not realizing that the moment he was gone, the dog would eat the note he'd left for Jack, leaving the other man no explanation as to what had happened.

--- --- ---

The second island wasn't so scary anymore, and he had no trouble making his way over and setting up a small campsite. He built a tent and a fire- hell he even managed to catch a few fish. By the second night he'd even constructed a decent shelter, since he wasn't sure how long he intended to stay.

The third day went less well. He'd gotten bold and decided to try and take on a shark- which had, unfortunately, ended with one of the baby sharks trying to remove his arm. He bandaged it well, but he knew it would make fishing that much harder.

By the forth, he was missing Jack- but he still wasn't ready to go home. His chest still ached, and he still felt like he was nothing. Still just a stupid surfer boy. The only difference now was the fact that he was a stupid surfer boy who'd run away.

Comments

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Day one, Jack was calm enough. A gun was gone and some staples and things. Jack could tell that Logan had probably just gone off for the night. It was troubling that he'd left his necklace, worse that he'd left Linus, but Jack was calm. Logan could take care of himself. Jack knew that.

Day two and he was worried. Day three and it was worse. Day four and Jack was going out of his mind. He had no idea where to even look. Any trail was cold. He had no clue where to look. He decided to go with the obvious and went to their little cabin in the jungle. No sign. He tromped to the other camp site he knew Logan liked and saw no sign of him there, either. And then it was getting dark.

Day five was free. The club was closed, he was off from the task force, and he figured someone else could handle council business. He went off looking. He started early and searched. And he searched. And he searched. And he was beginning to lose hope.

It was getting close to evening when he finally came to the dock. He counted the boats and noticed one was gone and he looked across the water to the second island. It wasn't a crazy idea, Logan had gone there before. The boat he was building wasn't remotely finished and so he stole a small boat and made his way over. He tied it to the dock, slung his gun over his shoulder, and began to look. Here he thought he saw a trail. He wondered if Logan was even here. He was worried sick and the sun was going to go down soon.

And then he smelled a fire and he headed toward the smoke. He was almost beyond hope but then he saw Logan.

And he was fine.

Jack felt like an idiot for being so upset.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

By day five he was missing Jack and the dogs, and he had started wondering why he hadn't brought Linus along with him. Still, he had slowly sunken back into his depression, and the idea of going home just seemed like too much work.

Curled up in his bed, he didn't notice the man approaching his camp. He wasn't paying attention and he didn't have his guard up. Things had been peaceful, and besides the bite, the trip had been- well, boring.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack walked up and cleared his throat.

"Logan?" he asked, nervous again when his husband didn't move. "Logan? Are you okay?"

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Jack.

He rolled over slowly, resenting that soft and worried tone in the other man's voice. Once upon a time, there wouldn't have been worried words. The other man would have grabbed him by the hair and dragged him home, telling him that he should stop screwing around and quit sulking. Back then, Jack hadn't treated him like he was fragile. Back then Jack used to want him as a partner, not a housewife.

Glaring, he rolled back over.

"Go away," he muttered.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"It's been almost a week," he said. "Are you ever coming home?"

He didn't come any closer but he didn't turn to leave, either. He just wanted to know what was wrong. He was trying so hard to be a better husband and then Logan had just...run.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I said I would. I left you a note," Logan replied, refusing to turn back over.

"Why are you here? Nothing better to do? Not sitting reminiscing about your wild adventures or running that stupid strip club?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"There wasn't a note. Just your necklace and some missing stuff," Jack replied. He looked confused for a minute and then laid his gun down and moved to the other side of Logan to see his face.

"What are you talking about?" he said. "I've had nothing else to do but run the club since you took off. That and look for you. And I couldn't find you. You've never been gone this long."

Not on his own, anyway.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"With the necklace, I left a note," Logan argued, giving in and sitting up. "So I left for a few days, since when is that a big deal. You run off and do shit all the damn time. Get over it," he muttered, getting to his feet and dusting himself off.

His bandage was a little sandy, and he knew he'd have to clean and re-dress the wound later, but he ignored it for the time being.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Logan, I promised you I was going to quit doing that. Is this payback or something for all the times I've left you out or made you worry?" Jack asked, irritation creeping into his voice. He eyed the bandage and tilted his head and then sighed, sounding put upon.

"If there had been a note I wouldn't have been worried," he lied. "If I'd known what was going on...you couldn't have come to the office and told me yourself?"

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I did go to the office. I went, and you were there. You were sitting smirking to yourself. You're so pleased with yourself. You nearly die, and- And you're just smiling. I hate that. I hate you right now. You go off, and you don't even think about bringing me? And I shouldn't care that you sit around smiling to yourself? Fuck you."

On that note, he shoved the other man.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

It caught Jack unaware and he stumbled back. He raised his arms in defense and to catch his balance. Smirking. This was because Logan saw him smiling?

"Oh, grow up," he spat back as he righted himself. "It was work, Logan. Are we really going to fight about this again? You haven't even given me a chance to change!"

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan just growled, and shoved him again. "I'm sick of being left out! I'm sick of being nobody on this island!"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

This time he wasn't off guard and so he only stepped backward to keep his footing. He reached out to give Logan a push back in return. It wasn't half as hard because he wasn't really angry. Just confused, mostly.

"You don't have to be a soldier to be somebody, Logan," Jack said harshly. "Just come home."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"Make me," Logan growled, shoving Jack again and snarling. "You think you're so much better than me. So much stronger- and you're not! I could have been up there. I could have helped!"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack stumbled back as Logan spoke and nearly fell. He hadn't seen Logan so genuinely angry in quite a while. Mad, yes, but not pissed off like this. He was so off balance and it was hard to keep his footing on the uneven ground.

"No," he said, not because Logan couldn't have helped but because Jack...Jack would have fallen apart if Logan had been faced with the zombies or that gas he'd heard about. Not to mention the fact that it had fallen out of the sky. Just...no.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

No. That was the last straw.

"Go home," he growled. "Go home, and leave me alone. I'm done. I am not some weak little boy, Jack. You used to know that. You used to talk about all the things we could do if we were ever off this island. You told me all those lies, and when something real came up...."

He trailed off, his hands shaking. "I could have helped, and you know it. ...Stay away from me. I am done with this. I am done with being made to feel like a useless child."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Logan, come on," Jack said, stepping forward to lay a hand on Logan's arm. "You don't really think I'm just going to leave. You're... you're hurt." It was a weak argument and was coddling, too. Jack knew that Logan wasn't a child, that he wasn't fragile. He knew it but he couldn't help but try to keep him safe and that meant that nothing interesting ever happened. What happened to molding him? Manipulating him into the perfect little agent? When had everything changed, he wondered. When had he started thinking of Logan as someone who needed protecting from the world?

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"You think I'm hurt?" Logan replied coolly, narrowing his eyes.

He caught Jack's arm and twisted it, hooking his leg behind Jack's and taking him down hard.

In one easy movement he was on top of the other man- pinning him down.

"I'm not hurt. I'm fine. I'm fine, and I'm strong, and you are an ass. I am done. I am sick of feeling like some useless loser. If you can't treat me like an equal, you can just stay away from me. Do you understand?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He hit the ground hard and it knocked the wind out of him. He struggled hard and tried to get Logan off him but once again Logan had gotten him off guard and he was well caught. If they'd been sparring he would have tapped out and that would have been it-- but Logan wasn't playing.

"I understand!" he yelped, struggling and then going still for a moment before he tried once again to get up.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan held him down a moment longer- and then finally let go.

"Good," he said simply, getting to his feet.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack laid still for a minute and then rolled onto his back and looked up at Logan. He really studied the younger man before he decided whether he should get up or not.

He chose to go halfway and he just sat up.

"Do you really want me to go back and leave you here?" he asked.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"Right now all I want is to have been on that ship- and you can't give me that. And every time I look at you, I just... I'm so angry. I thought I'd be okay once we made that agreement, but I'm not. I got left behind again, and it hurts. I'm mad. I'm really mad," Logan said honestly. "And I don't know how to stop being mad."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry," Jack said. "If I'd known I'd have figured out how to get you clearance. I should have...I should have known."

He really should have. It was just another piece of evidence that he was dismissive of Logan. Inattentive. Jack slowly got to his feet and brushed himself off.

"I can't make it up to you, either, can I?"

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"No," Logan replied simply and honestly. "You can't."

He sat back down on his make-shift bed, and rubbed his face with his hands. "You never used to treat me like this. I was never fragile. You would rip me apart. You were molding me into a soldier. You tortured me- do you remember that? Now... I hate the way you treat me now."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I know. I don't...I can't help it," Jack said quietly. "I don't know why it all changed. Or when. I just know I think of you getting hurt and it kills me. I don't mean to treat you like you're fragile. I don't. I just..."

He could only shrug. He had no good explanation.