I wonder what you've got conspired, I'm sure it dawns a consolation prize

[echolls_cursed]

It didn't matter. It didn't matter that they'd fought. That they'd tried to compromise. None of that changed the way he'd catch Jack smiling now and then as the other man thought about his thrilling adventure. It didn't change the fact that while Jack had been off playing the hero and having adventures, he'd been home. He hadn't been invited. Not even by Jack.

He wasn't smart enough. He wasn't trained. He wasn't good enough.

He was Logan Echolls- surfer boy. Nothing else. Nothing useful.

It hurt. In fact it hurt more than he was willing to admit. He kept it quiet, and he kept it to himself, but sometimes, when Jack wasn't looking, he found his eyes were just a little damp and that his chest ached. Jack would smile that little smile, and Logan would turn away to hide how angry it made him, and how hurt he was that he'd been left behind. That the other man hadn't thought of him or asked him along. That he hadn't made a case for him or found a way to involve him.

It made him so angry.

Today he'd gone to the office, two cups of coffee in his hands and every intention of making nice- but when he'd reached the door, he'd seen Jack's face- that smile, and he'd known he couldn't go in there. Not without pouring the coffee in the smug bastard's lap.

When he finally made his way home, he found himself still boiling over with anger, and after taking it out on the wall until his knuckles ached and bled- he'd known what he needed to do. He couldn't be here, he couldn't do this anymore. He'd packed a bag, grabbed a gun, and taken some of his personal things. He didn't want to be here- he didn't want to sit in Jack's shadow anymore.

He pulled his necklace off, the tiny shells choking him as he tried to calm down. He left the necklace on the pillow, beside a note that simply said. I'll be back eventually. I love you. It didn't occur to him that it might be a bit cryptic or worrying. He just wanted to go.

He left Linus behind and set off, not realizing that the moment he was gone, the dog would eat the note he'd left for Jack, leaving the other man no explanation as to what had happened.

--- --- ---

The second island wasn't so scary anymore, and he had no trouble making his way over and setting up a small campsite. He built a tent and a fire- hell he even managed to catch a few fish. By the second night he'd even constructed a decent shelter, since he wasn't sure how long he intended to stay.

The third day went less well. He'd gotten bold and decided to try and take on a shark- which had, unfortunately, ended with one of the baby sharks trying to remove his arm. He bandaged it well, but he knew it would make fishing that much harder.

By the forth, he was missing Jack- but he still wasn't ready to go home. His chest still ached, and he still felt like he was nothing. Still just a stupid surfer boy. The only difference now was the fact that he was a stupid surfer boy who'd run away.

Comments

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack would have really liked to believe that Logan could just say it and make it so. He'd never get over the lingering fear that at any moment either of them could just disappear, leaving chaos and pain in the wake.

"I know," he said as he wriggled out of his shirt and moved against Logan to touch him and hold him and kiss him more.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan was quiet for a while, and then cleared his throat.

"I'm really not weak," he said again. "I never have been. Being treated like some delicate flower? That doesn't suit me."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry. I'll change, Logan. I see it now and I'll do it. You're my partner. Equal. I need to...this is my fault, not yours. I'll fix it," Jack promised earnestly.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I don't want you to change because you feel guilty," Logan replied, rolling onto his side and closing his eyes.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I don't want to change because of guilt. I want to change because...because it's right, Logan. I've had a lot of time to think and..."

He sighed and rolled close to Logan so he could touch him.

"You're a saint to put up with me. I really am a terrible husband. Everything you've said, you're right. I treat you like...like an afterthought. Like you're the fuck I come home to. I put everything ahead of you and that's wrong. I coddle you when you don't need it. I think of myself first. I'm...afraid. I'm such a coward, Logan. I just keep waiting for the day you wake up and realize I'm a mistake and the thing is...I'm driving you away by being such a bastard to you. I'm the bad guy in all this. I see that now. I see it and I know I need to change."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan said nothing for a long moment. He wasn't used to this- not just from jack, but anyone he'd been with. He was always wrong or unreasonable. He was the bad guy.

He wasn't used to someone else taking the blame. He wasn't used to being told he was right. For a moment, he looked uneasy, as if he was sure he was being tricked. Like Jack was only saying that so he would come back.

Eventually, he moved closer. Eventually, he let go of the fear and just trusted the other man, curling up against the other man.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack held on and his cock flagged and his pants became tolerable. It felt so good to have Logan in his arms after so many days of searching and worry.

"You will give me a chance to do better, right?' he said. "If we're ever going to be a family I need to...you know. Be domestic. For real."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I'm not leaving," Logan promised. "I wont go. I love you- I love you, I'm just... I'm close to my limit, Jack," he admitted.

"I'll stick it out though. I'll give it time. I'll give you time," he promised.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"From now on we'll do things together. I won't run off and do things without talking to you," he said. "You...you left before I could talk to you about running the club, really. I saw Helen and she's in no shape to...she's really hurt. She asked about you. She misses talking to you," Jack said, drawing idle shapes on Logan's arm below the bandage.

"But she'll be back to it and things will go back to normal. Except I've taken some time off the task force. I didn't quit. I'm just...taking some time. To sort things out."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan didn't look like he believed that. "You would have taken over the club with or without my approval," he accused, rolling away.

"Whatever Jack. I hope she's okay, but... Whatever," he sighed, trying not to get annoyed again.

He did like Helen, she had been a friend- but lately she felt like Jack's friend, not his. More than that, she was just one of the many things that kept Jack away from him. ...Worse still, hurt or not, she'd been on the station. Just one more thing they'd done together without him.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"No, Logan...I wouldn't have. I'd have asked Rachel or Abby or Maureen or...well, Xander's not leaving her side so he's out. But I could have asked anyone. But you were gone and I couldn't search for you at night so I..."

He stopped. He needed to quit trying to explain why he did what he did. It only ever lead to problems.

"I wish you didn't hate the club so much. I just sit downstairs and fuck with the piano or talk to the bartenders all night. Sometimes I go upstairs but usually it's just me and Zell or Roger. I see Joe. I wish...I wish I had you there."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"But you didn't ask them," Logan replied simply.

He curled up a little, and shook his head. "I don't like it there- it reminds me of Harry," he said simply.

And Harry had been one of the few things the island had put in his path that had actually scared him.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Harry. Jack's whole body went hot and his heart began to beat faster. Harry. If he ever returned Jack would have a hard time not holding the man's prior sins against him.

"I'm sorry," Jack said softly. "I'll never make you come."

He went quiet for a minute.

"When we go back I'll ask for help with the club. Helen can't do it alone with the way she's banged up. Broken ribs and all."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"Just stop- okay? Just... Just work the club, I don't care. Don't make me feel guilty. I know she's hurt- but you didn't even think about asking me if it was okay, and you know it. We both know it. I'm not going to tell you that you can't help her, I'm not an asshole, I know she's in a bad way, and I know she needs you- but... You weren't going to ask. You never ask. You don't even think about me when you do that shit."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack shut up and closed his eyes. He was trying so hard but Logan just...

This wasn't going to be easy.

Change was never easy.

Jack rolled away to lay on his back. He curled an arm behind his head and sighed quietly. He just wanted to be a better man and he was afraid that no matter what he did, Logan was going to hold this against him and make changing impossible.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan stayed away for a while, but eventually he moved closer, settling into his spot.

He'd missed Jack, and upset or not, he found comfort in the familiarity of the action.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

There was no way he could hold onto his worries and fears and disappointment, not with Logan curled up in the most familiar way. His chest ached with how much he loved Logan. With how much he wanted to do right and how much he wanted Logan to approve of him as a husband and as a man.

"Tell me what happened to your arm?" he said when he couldn't stand the silence anymore.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"Shark," Logan admitted, his hand moving to rest on Jack's stomach. "I thought I could take one, and that would be my food for the week- just a baby, you know? But two more came at me, and one caught my arm."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack's first impulse was to roll and check it, to fuss over Logan, to chide him for doing something so reckless and dangerous. That was he immediate reaction, but he pushed it down. He kept still and quiet until it passed.

"Will you have a new nasty scar?" he asked simply.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I dunno, I should probably clean it again though," he admitted, flopping onto his back and picking at the bandage.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"You should go to the clinic when we get back," Jack said. "Do you...I can help you clean it out if you want," he added, no pressure to it. He was working hard not to coddle the younger man.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I'm not going to the clinic," Logan replied. "...You can help though. That would be good. Thanks."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

If it had really bad then Logan would have likely bled out, or had a nasty infection by now. Sharks were nothing to mess with but if he got away then he was fine and Jack needed to quell his panic.

"We should make up a fire so I can see what I'm doing," he said, moving to sit up. "It's been a long time since I bandaged you up. I don't think I can do it in the dark."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I have a fire," Logan said, pointing at the small blaze. "What's wrong with the one I built?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"A big fire. Bigger. I...I can't see in the dark like I used to," Jack said quietly. "It's not your fire. It's fine for, oh, nevermind."

He should have brought a flashlight. He should have brought a lot of things. He didn't like to admit his shortcomings, how he couldn't see as well in the twilight or the fact that glasses made reading easier.