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February 4th
It is characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things. - Henry David Thoreau
I guess that makes me a moron.
Neil's reading that stupid book again. The one that was the bases of the movie that was his life... or whatever. I don't know what he's looking for, there's nothing in that book I couldn't tell him myself. Probably. Whatever. It's all about what people think of him lately. Is he a whore, is he a moron? Is he selfish? Is he a black hole?
No. Of course he's not. And if he'd get his nose out of that fucking book, I'd tell him so.
Whatever, I'm so not in the mood to trigger one of our mutual nervous breakdowns by opening my mouth. Apparently the couple who gets admitted to the psych ward together... well, stays together isn't right, but there's definitely something to it.
So what have I done today? Oh nothing, nothing with a side of fuck all. I almost miss school. Almost. ...Alright, I don't, not even a little. I miss fighting though, I miss the tension of Neptune. I never thought I would, but I totally just... yeah. I'm kind of itching to hit someone. Preferably someone Weevil shaped, but I'm not picky.
Joe shaved his head, dunno what that's all about. Has to be a mid-life crises or something. If we were anywhere else, he'd be buying a fucking sports cars and popping Viagra... or snorting coke. Dunno what he has to complain about, life seems to be going well enough for the guy. I guess age just does that to you.
Which is why I plan on not making it past, I dunno, forty?
Neil's finally put the book down, looks like his dog needs to piss. I should go with him, maybe we can grab dinner.
It is characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things. - Henry David Thoreau
I guess that makes me a moron.
Neil's reading that stupid book again. The one that was the bases of the movie that was his life... or whatever. I don't know what he's looking for, there's nothing in that book I couldn't tell him myself. Probably. Whatever. It's all about what people think of him lately. Is he a whore, is he a moron? Is he selfish? Is he a black hole?
No. Of course he's not. And if he'd get his nose out of that fucking book, I'd tell him so.
Whatever, I'm so not in the mood to trigger one of our mutual nervous breakdowns by opening my mouth. Apparently the couple who gets admitted to the psych ward together... well, stays together isn't right, but there's definitely something to it.
So what have I done today? Oh nothing, nothing with a side of fuck all. I almost miss school. Almost. ...Alright, I don't, not even a little. I miss fighting though, I miss the tension of Neptune. I never thought I would, but I totally just... yeah. I'm kind of itching to hit someone. Preferably someone Weevil shaped, but I'm not picky.
Joe shaved his head, dunno what that's all about. Has to be a mid-life crises or something. If we were anywhere else, he'd be buying a fucking sports cars and popping Viagra... or snorting coke. Dunno what he has to complain about, life seems to be going well enough for the guy. I guess age just does that to you.
Which is why I plan on not making it past, I dunno, forty?
Neil's finally put the book down, looks like his dog needs to piss. I should go with him, maybe we can grab dinner.
Next person to save my life (by mistake or on purpose) is gonna get punched in the face.
Whenever you have truth it must be given with love, or the message and the messenger will be rejected. - Gandhi
Just because he was good doesn't mean he was always right. That's all I'm saying. Truth of the matter is that most of the time, no one wants to hear the truth. They'll say they want the truth, they'll ask you for the truth.. but they can't handle the truth. See, what people really want is the truth with a twist. The truth told in a way that fits their needs and wants.
Neil is gone. Neil is gone and it's all thanks to the truth. The fact that there is always going to be a small blonde detective in my life, and that I'm always going to love her more.
I'm starting to think that's a lie.
I don't love Veronica any more then I love Neil. I love Veronica in a different way. I feel honored when she wants me around. I feel like I'm worth something when she takes my hand. Veronica makes me feel strong, able, needed. Neil... With Neil I have a companion. Neil understands me and accepts who I am without condition. I love Neil because he knows me in ways other people never could. I love Neil because I never have to make excuses with him.
Not that any of this matters now. Once again I'm alone, in this stupid hut with it's charming hole in it's roof. I really need to fix that. Duncan is next door, snoring. Snoring in a way only Duncan Kane can. It's... dignified. How can someone make snoring sound dignified? Freak.
The bed still smells like Neil, it makes it really hard to get to sleep. I should go talk to him.
I can't talk to him.
God I hate this.
I just want him to come home.
I just want Veronica to look at me like I'm not the shit beneath her shoe.
Whenever you have truth it must be given with love, or the message and the messenger will be rejected. - Gandhi
Just because he was good doesn't mean he was always right. That's all I'm saying. Truth of the matter is that most of the time, no one wants to hear the truth. They'll say they want the truth, they'll ask you for the truth.. but they can't handle the truth. See, what people really want is the truth with a twist. The truth told in a way that fits their needs and wants.
Neil is gone. Neil is gone and it's all thanks to the truth. The fact that there is always going to be a small blonde detective in my life, and that I'm always going to love her more.
I'm starting to think that's a lie.
I don't love Veronica any more then I love Neil. I love Veronica in a different way. I feel honored when she wants me around. I feel like I'm worth something when she takes my hand. Veronica makes me feel strong, able, needed. Neil... With Neil I have a companion. Neil understands me and accepts who I am without condition. I love Neil because he knows me in ways other people never could. I love Neil because I never have to make excuses with him.
Not that any of this matters now. Once again I'm alone, in this stupid hut with it's charming hole in it's roof. I really need to fix that. Duncan is next door, snoring. Snoring in a way only Duncan Kane can. It's... dignified. How can someone make snoring sound dignified? Freak.
The bed still smells like Neil, it makes it really hard to get to sleep. I should go talk to him.
I can't talk to him.
God I hate this.
I just want him to come home.
I just want Veronica to look at me like I'm not the shit beneath her shoe.
(For the curious, these entries will not be posted in order. For I am annoying that way.)
Date: February 17th
Fell asleep at Joe's last night, left before the morning. Nothing stranger then waking up with your shirt off in the bed of the man who's been like a father to you (or as much of a father as I'm capable of recognizing).There may or may not have been a drunken kiss. Strictly tongue free though, so I'm gonna just pretend it never happened.
Spent part of the night hanging off Lilly Kane. In my defense... Well, I don't actually have a defense. I was hanging all over Lilly Kane. I'm pretty sure she didn't mind all that much.
Whatever, this all boils down to one thing anyway. Veronica Mars. Then again, doesn't everything? She's always thought the world revolved around her, and I have to confess, I'm starting to buy into it.
She has a boyfriend. And for all I shouldn't complain, seeing as how I have one myself, I'm complaining. From what I hear, he's a decent guy. Well, when she's not with me, they always are, right?
You see, Veronica Mars is like an illness. Not the most romantic comparison, I know, but just... Just go with me on this. Veronica Mars is like an illness. She's like mono. You take a while off, spend some time in bed trying to get over her, but there's no real cure. You're doomed to have small outbreaks for the rest of your life.
And then there's Neil. Neil who puts up with my shit. Neil who isn't always the best significant other, but at least puts in the effort. He tells me what's going on in his head and he doesn't shut me out. He gives me everything he can. And I love him, I do.
So why am I sitting here pining over Veronica?
Why am I fighting with myself to make sure I don't go looking for her?
Obviously I'm having another outbreak. ( I've decided the best treatment would be writing down all the things I'm not going to say. )
Date: February 17th
Fell asleep at Joe's last night, left before the morning. Nothing stranger then waking up with your shirt off in the bed of the man who's been like a father to you (or as much of a father as I'm capable of recognizing).There may or may not have been a drunken kiss. Strictly tongue free though, so I'm gonna just pretend it never happened.
Spent part of the night hanging off Lilly Kane. In my defense... Well, I don't actually have a defense. I was hanging all over Lilly Kane. I'm pretty sure she didn't mind all that much.
Whatever, this all boils down to one thing anyway. Veronica Mars. Then again, doesn't everything? She's always thought the world revolved around her, and I have to confess, I'm starting to buy into it.
She has a boyfriend. And for all I shouldn't complain, seeing as how I have one myself, I'm complaining. From what I hear, he's a decent guy. Well, when she's not with me, they always are, right?
You see, Veronica Mars is like an illness. Not the most romantic comparison, I know, but just... Just go with me on this. Veronica Mars is like an illness. She's like mono. You take a while off, spend some time in bed trying to get over her, but there's no real cure. You're doomed to have small outbreaks for the rest of your life.
And then there's Neil. Neil who puts up with my shit. Neil who isn't always the best significant other, but at least puts in the effort. He tells me what's going on in his head and he doesn't shut me out. He gives me everything he can. And I love him, I do.
So why am I sitting here pining over Veronica?
Why am I fighting with myself to make sure I don't go looking for her?
Obviously I'm having another outbreak. ( I've decided the best treatment would be writing down all the things I'm not going to say. )
