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[echolls_cursed]

Logan had never been the sort of child who tip-toed down the stairs to see what Santa had brought. He'd learned the hard way that peeking at presents never ended in anything but punishment. Not to mention the fact that Aaron had made quick work of ruining any dreams of Santa by telling Logan he wasn't real at a very young age.

There was no room for make-believe at the Echolls home. Not that it had ever been easy to get lost in a dream world in a house full of violence and anger anyeway.

So on Christmas morning, Logan didn't slip out of bed. Instead he slid closer to Jack, holding the other man tightly and letting himself be grateful for what he thought was the best gift he could get that year.

Jack.

Jack was still there. Logan hadn't managed to chase him off or ruin what they had. He hadn't lost the other man to someone better. If anything, he'd gained more and more of Jack as time went by- and that was all Logan really wanted this year.

Nuzzling the other man's neck, he hummed softly and then whispered, "Merry Christmas, Jack."

Comments

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Uh...yeah," he replied quietly, then got to his feet and walked over to his clothes without looking at Logan.

"You can go back to sleep. Sorry if I...I'm sorry." Then he swallowed hard and tried to ignore the way his stomach felt like slowly sloshing water.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"Sorry for what?" Logan asked, frowning slightly as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "Where are you going?" he asked, getting out of bed and catching Jack's arm before he could get dressed.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack shuddered and shook Logan off. "I don't know. I just...just downstairs. Or something," he said, clearly shaken to the core.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan drew back when Jack shook him off, the action harsher than a slap to the face.

"Oh," he replied simply, wondering just what he'd done that was so vile that Jack wouldn't even let him touch him.

It hurt, and he swallowed hard as he took a step back and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Did I do something wrong?" he asked, scratching the back of his neck. "If I was to harsh earlier- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I was just... I won't do it again."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He shook his head and held up a hand. He felt like he needed a shower.

"You didn't do anything wrong," he assured Logan. "It's nothing you did. I just..."

Jack shook his head again.

"You called me dad," he said, his voice quiet though that one word, that one single syllable, sounded like the most vile, repulsive word Jack had ever spoken.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

And there it was, his filthy fantasy exposed. One word, one stupid word, and he'd fucked up everything.

"No- no I didn't... I wasn't. It's not like that, okay? It was just- I was tired. You say stupid shit when you're tired, you know? I didn't mean to say that. I didn't- ...I don't think of you like that. And I wasn't mistaking you for him, okay?" he said firmly, needing to make sure that much was clear.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Okay," he said, though it wasn't okay at all. His shoulders tensed and he finally found it in him to look at Logan.

"I was kissing you," he continued. "I was...if he..."

His stomach did a slow forward roll and he paled again. He didn't want to know, but he couldn't stop himself from asking.

"Did Aaron ever...I mean...no. Nevermind. I can't...I can't do this."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"No!" Logan blurted. "No, god- he did a lot of fucked up things, but he never... That isn't what I was... Fuck," he swore, raking his fingers through his hair as he realized he was going to have to come clean.

"It's a dream, it's a stupid dream, and it has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with you. You and your stupid glasses. It's= It's fucked up, I know it is, but I have this dream where we're playing. We're playing and you're pretending to be- and I'm... It's just a dream though. It's no different then when I dream you're giving me detention or when I dream I'm keeping you as a pet- it's a dream. nothing more. And I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I didn't... I'll never ask you for that. And it's nothing to do with Aaron, okay? I swear."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Logan's explanation didn't really help, except to relieve that sickening thought that Aaron had done more than beat Logan. But where most of Logan's dreams or fantasies made Jack interested and willing to fulfil them for the younger man, this...this just didn't sit right.

"Don't," he said, soft but firm. "Don't ever ask. I can't do that. I can do a lot, but I can't do that."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan swallowed hard and nodded, clearly humiliated as he turned away and started to get dressed.

He felt exposed in a way he couldn't stand to be, and Jack's disapproval filled him with shame and guilt. He'd felt sick before, but now- now he just felt disgusting.

Tugging the sleeves of his over sized sweater down over his fingertips, he took a deep breath and headed out of the bedroom.

He couldn't risk breaking down in front of Jack, and he could feel himself about to lose it. The last thing he wanted was Jack even more disgusted when he started to fall apart.

Not bothering to pull his coat on, he stepped out onto the porch and sank down, his back against the wall and his arms around his knees as he ducked his head and reminded himself to keep breathing.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack wasn't sure where Logan had gone and for once, he didn't follow him. It was dark out and Jack found his watch to check the time. It was only around nine...there wasn't anything like accurate time, but it was close enough. He wandered downstairs, built up the fire, and busied himself just to keep his mind off of things. Jack looked at the food and started to put it all away. He had no appetite.

As he worked, he wondered if he should tell Logan why he'd reacted how he had. He couldn't hold Logan's dreams or fantasies against him, but Jack just...couldn't. He didn't really want to share certain parts of his past- No more than he had. Logan already knew Jack had been a monster. He didn't need details.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan stayed outside until his hands and feet were numb, his toes starting to look a little blue. It took some effort to get to his feet, but he could smell the fire Jack had started, and he wanted nothing more than to curl up in front of it and go to sleep.

Maybe tomorrow Jack would forget what he'd said, and things would be okay. The dreams would stop, and he'd be normal.

Maybe. ...But it didn't seem likely.

Heading inside, he didn't look at Jack. Instead he went straight to the fire, getting as close as he could to warm himself. He was shaking from the cold, and the heat melted away the aches and pains that the cold had brought on.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He didn't say anyhing at all when Logan came in, but it seemed ridiculous to simply sit at the table and act like there wasn't a giant, painful chasm between them. Jack finally got to his feet and picked up the blanket that was on the couch, moving over to wrap it around Logan's shoulders.

"You okay?" he asked as he laid a warm hand against Logan's frozen face. "No, you're not. I'm going to make some coffee."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan bristled.

"I don't need you to make me coffee. I don't need to be taken care of. I'm twenty-two, I can take care of myself," he snapped, pushing the blanket off his shoulders and getting to his feet. His body protested the movement, and everything about him in that moment screamed that he did need taking care of. That sometimes he was weak and young- and that sometimes he did need to be looked after, no matter how strong he was or how in control he could be.

Sometimes Logan was just a boy still, and that was the problem. That was where the fantasy truly stemmed from.

His hands were still shaking from the cold, but he still managed to make the coffee. Nearly dropping the mug twice before finally fixing them both a cup and sitting down at the table.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack simply stepped back and watched Logan. He leaned against the wall, his hands folded behind his back. When Logan put the coffee on the table, Jack looked down at the floor.

"Thanks," he murmured, not moving from his spot. He finally managed to raise his chin and looked at Logan. The depth of sadness in his eyes was indescribable.

"I love you," he said quietly. "And I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been so...I just freaked out."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"It doesn't matter, just forget it," Logan said quietly, using a tone he hadn't unleashed on Jack since long before they'd gotten together.

He was closing up, because he honestly didn't know how else to protect himself. In the past it had always been easy to open up to Jack, but it only took one bad experience to make Logan pull away again, and he looked distant and uneasy as he sat at the table.

It felt like everything had changed in that moment, and suddenly he found himself unsure about his future with the other man. After all, if that had repulsed him, who knew what he'd think of the other things that went on in his mind, or the things Aaron actually had done to him.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Don't do that to me," Jack said sharply. "It does matter. It matters a lot. I...God, I don't want to even tell you why..."

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then moved to take a seat at the table. He was where Logan had been earlier, and he picked at the gouge in the wood where the blade had stabbed into it.

"I don't ever want you to think of me like Aaron. That freaked me out for a minute. But...but mostly it's..."

He paused and looked down.

"I've done a lot of bad things, Logan...but nevr kids. We can play detention. We can play that you're younger. But there's some things I can't do. I can't be that for you. Is...is that okay?"

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Jack's tone went sharp and Logan tensed, looking ready for a brawl, only to relax again as the other man's voice softened.

Looking up from his coffee, he finally met Jack's eyes with his own as he took in what he was saying. "I don't want that from you," he assured the other man. It's just a dream, just a stupid dream. I never asked for it before, and I wasn't about to start. Jesus, Jack, you think I don't know how fucked up it is? I know. I know, okay, and I know about you, I know... It's not an issue. I never wanted it to be an issue. You weren't supposed to know. It wasn't ever supposed to come out."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

His brows drew together and his lips pulled into a tight pout.

"Are there a lot of things you think about that you don't want me to know about?" he asked, taking hold of his cup to warm his hands.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"No. I mean- Whatever, yeah, there's stuff, but not like that. And, I mean, shit, there has to be stuff you think about that you don't share. Stuff from your past. Thoughts you have. People have secrets, that's just how we work. Maybe one day I'll tell you all of mine, but- I dunno. A lot of it I'm just not ready to share, okay? I mean... I just can't yet. Not because I don't want you to know, but because I just don't think I can handle it. Because some of that stuff is buried pretty deep, and I don't know If I could dig it up without making a real mess.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack looked chastened and if someone didn't know him better, he may have seemed like he might cry a little. Logan was right, sort of. There were things he thought of that he didn't want to talk about. Ever. Most of the time he was good at not even thinking about those things. He was a champion at burying things and ignoring them.

"Okay," he agreed quietly. "I get it. I do. Let's just forget about it."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"Can we just start over?" Logan asked quietly, his voice tight and eyes damp. "Can we just go back to bed and try again?"

Because he hurt, he hurt and even though things with Jack still felt a little off- Jack was who he went to when he wanted things to feel right again. Jack was who he went to when he felt unstable.

"I won't fuck up this time," he promised, worried suddenly that Jack still might not want to touch him.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Sighing softly, he nodded. Starting over sounded like a great idea. He left his coffee untouched, got to his feet, and held out his hand.

"Come with me," he said, more of an order than a request.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Usually Logan would have refused. He didn't take orders, not even from Jack.

Tonight, however, he let it go, taking Jack's hand and holding on tight as he got to his feet.

Honestly, he was just thankful to be touched- Not that he'd ever admit it.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

They only got to the foot of the stairs before Jack couldn't take it. He pivoted and pushed Logan against the wall, reaching up to cup his face in both hands. He leaned forward and rested his forehead against Logan's.

"I'm sorry I almost ran," he said, noting how cold Logan's skin still was under his hands.