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[echolls_cursed]

Logan had never been the sort of child who tip-toed down the stairs to see what Santa had brought. He'd learned the hard way that peeking at presents never ended in anything but punishment. Not to mention the fact that Aaron had made quick work of ruining any dreams of Santa by telling Logan he wasn't real at a very young age.

There was no room for make-believe at the Echolls home. Not that it had ever been easy to get lost in a dream world in a house full of violence and anger anyeway.

So on Christmas morning, Logan didn't slip out of bed. Instead he slid closer to Jack, holding the other man tightly and letting himself be grateful for what he thought was the best gift he could get that year.

Jack.

Jack was still there. Logan hadn't managed to chase him off or ruin what they had. He hadn't lost the other man to someone better. If anything, he'd gained more and more of Jack as time went by- and that was all Logan really wanted this year.

Nuzzling the other man's neck, he hummed softly and then whispered, "Merry Christmas, Jack."

Comments

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

His brows drew together and his lips pulled into a tight pout.

"Are there a lot of things you think about that you don't want me to know about?" he asked, taking hold of his cup to warm his hands.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"No. I mean- Whatever, yeah, there's stuff, but not like that. And, I mean, shit, there has to be stuff you think about that you don't share. Stuff from your past. Thoughts you have. People have secrets, that's just how we work. Maybe one day I'll tell you all of mine, but- I dunno. A lot of it I'm just not ready to share, okay? I mean... I just can't yet. Not because I don't want you to know, but because I just don't think I can handle it. Because some of that stuff is buried pretty deep, and I don't know If I could dig it up without making a real mess.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack looked chastened and if someone didn't know him better, he may have seemed like he might cry a little. Logan was right, sort of. There were things he thought of that he didn't want to talk about. Ever. Most of the time he was good at not even thinking about those things. He was a champion at burying things and ignoring them.

"Okay," he agreed quietly. "I get it. I do. Let's just forget about it."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"Can we just start over?" Logan asked quietly, his voice tight and eyes damp. "Can we just go back to bed and try again?"

Because he hurt, he hurt and even though things with Jack still felt a little off- Jack was who he went to when he wanted things to feel right again. Jack was who he went to when he felt unstable.

"I won't fuck up this time," he promised, worried suddenly that Jack still might not want to touch him.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Sighing softly, he nodded. Starting over sounded like a great idea. He left his coffee untouched, got to his feet, and held out his hand.

"Come with me," he said, more of an order than a request.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Usually Logan would have refused. He didn't take orders, not even from Jack.

Tonight, however, he let it go, taking Jack's hand and holding on tight as he got to his feet.

Honestly, he was just thankful to be touched- Not that he'd ever admit it.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

They only got to the foot of the stairs before Jack couldn't take it. He pivoted and pushed Logan against the wall, reaching up to cup his face in both hands. He leaned forward and rested his forehead against Logan's.

"I'm sorry I almost ran," he said, noting how cold Logan's skin still was under his hands.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

The force was unexpected, and Logan nearly pushed the other man away, only to relax at the last moment and hold on instead.

"I don't know what I'd do if you left," he confessed. "I think I'd die. I honestly think I'd just- fade away."

It was dramatic, but Logan often was. He couldn't help it, that was just how he felt. Without Jack, Logan was sure he'd simply wilt and die. Jack was more than a husband- Logan was emotionally wound up in the other man to the point that he wasn't sure he'd ever recover if he managed to destroy what they had.

"Please don't leave me," he whispered.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Never gonna happen," Jack assured him, pressing a soft kiss to the tip of Logan's nose. "Never. Let's just go back to bed. The hell with dinner. The hell with visiting anyone. Let's just...go back to bed and not let Christmas end like this."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan simply nodded, swallowing had and catching Jack's hand with his own again. "I'm sorry- for fucking up Christmas. I'll make it right," he promised.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"You don't have to make anything right. Just come on," he replied, pulling Logan up the stairs. Once in the bedroom, he stopped and looked around, turning to look at Logan along the line of his shoulder.

"Do you want to take off your clothes?" he asked, plucking at the hem of Logan's shirt. "Or...can I?"

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"You can do it," Logan replied, clearly surprised that the other man wanted to.

Jack had looked so repulsed by him earlier- it was an image Logan couldn't seem to get out of his head. The memory made him a little sick, and he looked humiliated again as he glanced away.

God, he was such a fuck up sometimes.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack pulled the hem higher and then slipped his hands underneath the fabric. He smoothed his palms up Logan's chest until the fabric was bunched beneath the man's arms. Only then did he move to take hold of it again and pull it off over Logan's head.

"Hey," he said gently, tilting his head to try to find Logan's eyes. "Look at me. Logan, come on...don't go there. It's over. Forgotten."

Which was a lie...but Jack was trying. He was trying hard to be in the moment and push the memories and the visceral reaction to the back of his mind.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"Liar," Logan accused, his voice soft and tight. It wasn't forgotten, and part of Logan wanted to remind Jack of how well he'd taken the stories of the other man torturing people- of the way Jack had once been. Logan had accepted that Jack wasn't perfect, and yet here Jack stood, judging him for a fantasy he didn't even enjoy.

It wasn't as if he could control his dreams. It wasn't as if it was something he thought about when he was awake...

But Logan didn't bother explaining that. Instead he just let his face go blank again as he leaned back against the wall. It was easier to hide behind a blank stare than fight or argue.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"NO! Don't do that!" Jack explained, grabbing Logan's bare arms and shaking him. Logan didn't close off around him anymore and the mere sight of it now woke up a vicious animal inside he. He wasn't going backwards.

He shook him a little too hard.

"You're shutting me out. Don't do that to me, Logan. God...we've come so far. Don't make it be the way it used to be..."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Bringing his arms up, Logan tried to defend himself, shoving Jack away.

His defenses came down a little, and he closed his eyes. "I'm not shutting you out," he protested softly, holding Jack at arms length and then opening his eyes again.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Bullshit. You should see how you're looking at me," Jack said as anger boiled up. He'd over reacted, he was sure of it, but it didn't warrant what he saw as a betrayal. Pulling away, closing off, it was worse than Logan walking out the door.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Wetting his lips, Logan took a deep breath. He didn't mean to close off, it wasn't something he could help, it simply happened sometimes.

"You want me to be open with you? How am I supposed to be open when you hate me for something I can't control?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I don't hate you," Jack insisted in a low growl. "You've got so many ideas- fantasies- whatever...I don't hate you. But- but that...I had my dick practically in your ass, Logan. Dreaming or not, it freaked me out."

He paused and swallowed hard, slowly calming down even though the fire remained in his eyes.

"There's some things I can't do. I...I don't even think I can tell you why. I just can't. And that was...I'm sorry. But I don't hate you."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

The look in Jack's eyes hit him hard, and he swallowed around the lump in his throat as he leaned forward and kissed Jack slowly.

Just once, soft and tender. Cautious almost.

"I don't want you to do that- and I don't expect you to tell me why you can't. It's fine, just- You wouldn't let me touch you. You have no idea how that felt. Because the fantasies are great- sometimes, but I don't need them, I don't even really want most of them, I only want you."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

The soft kiss was all it took. All the tension melted away and Jack felt like he could breathe again.

"You've got me," he promised. His hands softened against Logan's arms and skated down to his wrists, then tugged them so Logan could only rest his hands on Jack's waist. They were still cold...or maybe it was that Jack was running a little warmer than normal.

"Most of your fantasies? I love hearing about them. You're so creative. I just ever think about you. You'd probably think I was boring. Stupid."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I don't think it's stupid. I think it's nice. I think it's nice that you just- want me," Logan said honestly. "I don't care that you don't think up little scenarios or anything."

Stepping closer, he held on just a little tighter. "You still always manage to surprise me."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Do I?" he asked, then licked his lips. "You're not bored with me? Because there's still a lot of things I've never done to you..."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"Like what?" Logan asked, ducking his head and nuzzling Jack's neck.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack hadn't had anything in mind until he tipped his head back to give Logan access. It was then that he noticed the exposed beams of the roof above him.

"I've never suspended you," he purred. "Tied you up and gotten you into the air. If you do it right, it's like floating."