echolls_cursed | Home is where the heart is. (for Neil)

Current Location: The hut

Entry tags:

logan and neil

Home is where the heart is. (for Neil)

A lot of walking and one half-assed fight had brought Logan back to the hut. For some reason, he expected it to look different. Abandoned maybe. But no, it looked the same as it had the morning he'd left it. Yappy dog and all.

Max was jumping around in his pen, barking like a lunatic, and Logan hissed at him a bit as he reached the door. "Shut up!" he snapped quietly. "Jesus Christ, fucking dog."

Of course that didn't stop him from leaning over and giving the small animal a scratch between it's ears.

He thought about knocking first... but it was his hut too, and he wasn't going to act like a stranger. Yanking open the door he headed right inside, trying to ignore his nerves as he slipped into what used to be their room. His eyes settled on Neil instantly, half asleep and buried under a blanket... Logan had to stop himself from walking right over and asking the other boy if he was okay.

Instead he just stood there, like an idiot.

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"I didn't say that. I just... I fucking hate it when you're not here, but I can't keep wondering when you're going to leave again. I can't fucking do that, Logan," I admit, pulling my hand away from his and sitting up, my back to him as I try to calm down again. It's not fair that he can do this to me, have me acting like such an idiot, so fucking easily.

"I'm not," Logan insisted, reaching out to place his hand on Neil's back "I won't leave again. Okay?"

Not that he could really know or promise that.

"You don't know that," I mumble as I rub my hand over my face, not turning around or reacting much at all to the touch but not pulling away either. I'm pretty sure he's promised that before. It sounds familiar. If not that, something like it.

Leaning over, I rummage around until I find my backpack under the bed, pulling it into my lap and digging around in the front pocket. I come up with his lighter and the fucking stupid necklace I made for him. I wanted to throw them both in the ocean, but I kept them anyway. Holding them in my hand now, I'm not sure why I took them out. Maybe just to show him I hadn't gotten rid of them. Maybe to give them back. I don't know.

Logan sat up, despite the fact that everything felt sore and stiff, and crawled over to kneel behind Neil. burying his face in the other boy's neck, he sighed.

"I know that I want to be here now. That has to count for something."

"Yeah, but what about... whatever. Nevermind," I sigh, letting my bag fall to the floor, the necklace and lighter dropping to the mattress beside me. Max lifts his head at all the noise, huffs and then goes back to trying to nap, thank Christ. I'm really not in the mood to deal with him too.

I feel like we're going backwards or something, and it just... sucks. Maybe we did everything backwards from the start, but I didn't know any other way.

Pulling back, Logan dug around in his pocket for a moment... and pulled out the necklace. The one he'd made Neil.

"I want to be here. And if I change my mind in the future... I won't just leave, okay? I promise. Right now though, I'm staying."

"Okay. Yeah... okay," I nod, letting out another sigh and craning my neck so I can look at him. That's actually a pretty good promise, and I figure it's the best anyone can give. Promises of forever and all that are just bullshit anyway. I'm tired of bullshit promises. I want something real.

"I missed you," Logan said quietly, toying with the necklace. "I'd have come back sooner, but... I dunno. I didn't know if I should, you know? People kept telling me I had to fix things, and I just wasn't sure I could. Or even if I should, you know? Cause I hate hurting you. I hate doing these things."

"Jesus, Logan," I sigh, shuffling around to face him, "You fucked up, okay? We both fucked up, but you weren't doing me some big favor by running off. I want you. Why else do you think I went through all that other shit?" I ask, gesturing down at the necklace and lighter. Seriously, do I look like the marrying type to him?

"I don't know," Logan shrugged, putting down the necklace. "I don't even know why I did it. I mean I know, but nor in a way I can explan or justify. I don't even know why I wanted to get married in the first place anymore. I just know I missed you when you weren't around."

I nod, drawing my legs up to my chest and facing him but not looking at him, staring off into space because at least then I can keep from... I don't know, keep from yelling or crying or freaking out at him. I've already done that enough of that sort of thing in the last couple of days. "I just... I wanted to go home for the first time in a really long fucking time. This place sorta sucks without you," I admit quietly.

"You'd have gotten over it," Logan insisted. "You'd have... This thing we have, it's great, you know? But I'm a jackass, and I don't think that's going to change anytime soon. Maybe you shouldn't let me back, you know? Maybe you'd be better off in the long run if you told me to piss off."

"Don't fucking do that, Logan. If you don't want this then fucking say it, but don't try and act like you're doing it for my own good. I'm not a fucking kid. I know just how much of an asshole you are, and I know it's a risk. Everything's a risk. I don't know shit about dating or whatever the fuck you want to call it, but I know that much," I tell him, frustration creeping into my voice.

"I do want this, I just want you to think about it!" Logan snapped. "If I didn't want it, I wouldn't be here. You think I give a damn if half the island hates me for leaving you, or that I'd come here if I wasn't getting something out of it? I want to be here and I want you."

"I have thought about it! That's all I've thought about for fucking days, Logan. Do you think I would've let you back in here if I didn't want you? I'd have kicked you out on your fucking ass," I point out, practically yelling.

The dog yips out a bark and I turn to him and snap, "Shut the fuck up, Max!" I didn't know it was really possible for a puppy to look annoyed, but he pulls it off as he flops back down on his blankets.

"What do you think I should have, Logan? You think you know what I need better than I do? You don't. I'm fucked up, but I know what I want, okay?"

"Alright!" Logan shouted back. "I'm sorry, alright? Do whatever you want, I'm not stopping you. I'm just making sure you know you have a choice. 'Cause let's face it Neil, you don't always realize that. Most of the time you just do whatever the hell people tell you to."

"Oh, fuck you!" I shout, scrambling off the bed and moving to stand in the middle of the room. "You think I'm just with you because you tell me to be? What the fuck is the matter with you?"

Logan slumped back against the wall and groaned. "That's not what I meant," he sighed, looking tired. "I just meant that... I dunno. I just thought it needed to be out there."

Huffing out an exasperated sigh, I just look at him for a while, my hands dangling at my sides and me standing here looking drained. I can't believe it's only been four days. It feels like I haven't slept or relaxed in weeks.

"I know that I have a choice, Logan," I tell him calmly, or as calmly as I can manage. "I know that I should probably kick you out on your ass, but I don't want to. We fucked up, trying to get fucking married, anyway. And I know I'd get over it, I'd learn to fucking survive or whatever the hell without you, but I don't want to, okay?"

Logan nodded a bit, tilting his head back so he could look up at Neil.

"You want your necklace?" he asked, as if they hadn't just been shouting at one another. As if he hadn't vanished for four days. As if somehow that would make things better.

I think I probably give him a pretty comical look of confusion. Maybe I'm not even shocked anymore, the weird ass shit that comes out of his mouth sometimes.

"Why?" I ask, because I want to know what he think's it'll mean now. Does he think it'll mean anything or is he just trying to shut me up? Like a fucking bamboo necklace will do that. I'm not a fucking girl.

"Because I made it for you," Logan replied simply, pulling a face of his own. A face that said something like 'Why else?' or, more likely, 'duh'.

"You made it for the wedding," I point out, returning his look. I'm not even really arguing, I just don't understand why he's even asking me. Like it matters now. Whatever.

"Whatever," Logan scowled dropping it onto the bed. "I just thought you might still want it. there doesn't have to be a damn wedding for you to wear a necklace."

"I know that," I insist, sighing as I move to kneel on the bed, shuffling across the mattress until I'm sitting next to him. I pick the necklace up from where he dropped it, just a little piece of leather cord and handmade wooden beads... the necklace he and I sat there on the rec room floor making less than a week ago. "Yeah, I want it," I say, reaching up to try and tie it around my own neck.

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