echolls_cursed | (for Joe)

Current Mood: gloomy

Entry tags:

(for Joe)

Logan waited outside the hut until long after the sun set, silently hoping that Neil would change his mind and come home. He waited until midnight, and then until one, the hours ticking by slowly. Not that Logan knew what time it was, but he knew when it was time to give up.

Eyes damp, he headed inside and over to Joe's room, tapping lightly on the door. He couldn't remember if Dale was there or not, but he also wasn't sure he cared. Right that moment he just knew he needed Joe, and he knocked louder as the tears started to roll down his cheeks.

"Joe," he said, waiting for the other man to let him in.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Dale was sleeping, but Joe had yet to actually crawl into bed and when he heard the knock, he glanced toward the door and then back at Dale. He hadn't stirred, so Joe headed toward the door and opened it, surprised to find Logan there. After what had happened earlier, he wasn't surprised to see him crying, though, and he frowned, then stepped into the other room and closed the door behind him.

"Hey," he said quietly, reaching out and touching his shoulder. "Logan, what's going on?" Dumb fucking question, he knew what was going on.

"Neil... He's not coming back," Logan said, wiping his eyes and letting out a shaky breath. "I didn't think he'd really go. I thought maybe he'd calm down and come home or whatever, but..."

"What?" Joe asked, shaking his head in confusion, a frown creasing his forehead. "Where the fuck did he go?" It seemed pretty fucking strange that Neil would be going anywhere during a time like this. Didn't make any fucking sense.

"He said he's staying with George," Logan said, not sure how to even start explaining what had happened. "All I said was that maybe we got married too soon and he, like... flipped. I told him I love him and I want to be with him, but... All I said was I didn't think it was forever, and he left. He left."

His face screwed up slightly, and he tried to keep his voice down as the panic built up all over again. "In my defense I'm not really in the greatest state of mind, you know? It just sort of... came out."

"He just left," Joe repeated, sounding confused. He knew things were pretty fucking rough for Logan right now, knew it couldn't be any easier on Neil because he knew exactly how Logan reacted to shit like this, but he didn't expect to hear that.

"C'mon, sit down," he encouraged a moment later, tugging Logan in the direction of the mattress.

Logan let Joe tug him along, sitting down heavily on the mattress. "Well, no, first he reminded me that I'm a jackass, then I begged him not to go, and then he left."

Joe sat down beside him, still looking confused by the whole thing. Neil could be an asshole, they were all fucking capable of it, but he figured that he would've always stuck by Logan.

"Jesus," Joe said quietly, not knowing what else to say. He rested his hand on Logan's shoulder again, squeezing gently.

"Guess I picked the wrong time to be honest with him, huh?" Logan asked, throat tight as he tried to shrug it off, shaking just a little.

"No, Logan... things are just fucked up right now, you didn't fucking know how he'd react," Joe said, still frowning, his hand still on Logan's shoulder. He wanted to be able to say that Neil would be back, but there was no way he could promise that. He just really fucking hoped that he would be back.

"He went straight to her," Logan said. "So, there goes our chance to have a kid. If he even wants to have one with me still. I don't... I don't even know why I try anymore. Every relationship I've ever had I've fucked up one way or another."

"What happened? Did he say he was never coming back or that he just needed a night away?" Joe asked, because he seriously doubted that the kid was really the main priority at the moment. Mostly he just wanted to figure out what the hell had really happened.

"He just said we needed time apart. That I could go see him if I wanted. I'm not going to George's though. I can't deal with the way she glares at me when she thinks I've hurt him," Logan replied quietly.

"It's none of her fucking business right now," Joe replied. "Glaring at you right now would be about as useful as me glaring at Neil. You think he'll come around to see you at all?"

"I dunno," Logan said honestly. "Maybe he shouldn't. Maybe he was right to leave, you know? If I'm not... If I can;t promise him forever, then why should he settle for that?"

"Because he loves you? Because you've just been through a fucking trauma and you're not exactly in the best state of mind to be having conversations about your relationship?" Joe asked. "It's not so black and fucking white, man."

"It's not like it just popped into my head Joe," Logan sighed. "I had this whole conversation about it with Veronica a few days back."

"A few days before Halloween or a few days before now?" Joe asked. Either way, he doubted Logan had really been in his right mind since he'd begun to see his father everywhere. Something like that had a tendency of fucking with a person.

"I talked to her after Halloween... but it's not like I wasn't thinking about it before," Logan said, trying to make Joe understand that this wasn't just him freaking out. There was a real weight to it, and it wasn't just magically go away.

Joe shrugged a bit at that because it wasn't like he could tell Logan that he was wrong, that he wasn't feeling that way. "Then you gotta talk to him. Either way, you guys gotta talk and figure shit out and I know you know that and that me saying it doesn't make it easier, but... you guys -- both of you -- you owe it to each other."

"I nearly kissed her," Logan said quietly, knowing Joe would know who he meant. "I nearly kissed her, and I wanted to. I wanted to kiss her so badly, Joe. How can I be married and still in love with someone else as well?"

"But you didn't kiss her. You said nearly," Joe pointed out. "The whole fucking point of marriage or... commitment or whatever the fuck you wanna call it, that's the point. You're gonna want other people, you're gonna want to kiss other people, but then you don't."

Logan just stared at Joe, not sure how he could be any clearer. This was why he hadn't talked to Joe about it before. It was like he couldn't understand the fact that maybe, just maybe, he wasn't happy with Neil. That maybe even though he loved the other boy so much that it hurt, that it just wasn't healthy.

Reaching out, Logan grabbed the front of Joe's shirt, dragging him down roughly and kissing him hard on the lips. And yeah, it wasn't the same. He loved Joe in a way that he'd never love anyone else, and it wasn't a sex thing, and he didn't need to kiss him. But Logan figured it proved him wrong all the same.

Letting go, he raised a brow, challenging Joe to argue again.

That would, of course, bring Logan's tally up to three as far as kissing Joe went.

Joe pulled back abruptly, not caring this time if he hurt Logan's feelings. The first time it had happened he'd been worried, he hadn't wanted to hurt Logan by rejecting him, but this was different. This was Logan trying to prove a point and this was Joe not accepting it. Not because he was wrong, not because he didn't know how he felt, but because he'd done it this way, while Dale slept in the other room.

"Don't do that," Joe said simply, shaking his head. His jaw was set hard and it was obvious that he was angry and trying to keep it in check. A part of him wanted to make allowances for the fact that Logan was fucked up lately, but another part of him was just tired.

"Do not do that, not while Dale is sleeping in other room. I love him, okay? And he, for whatever fucked up reason, loves me and I'm not fucking that up in any way and not for any reason. Maybe things aren't good for you right now and I'm sorry, Logan, that sucks. And I'm here for you, but not for that. Not because you wanna make a point, not because you think that'll deliver your message, not for that. Don't use me like that again."

Logan shrank back at that, looking thoroughly scolded.

That hadn't been his intention, to use Joe or hurt him. Hell, if he'd known he was going to get told off for it he wouldn't have done it at all. "Fuck you, like I'd want your wrinkly old ass," he said, wrapping his arms around himself and looking away.

He could feel himself falling apart again, and it took a lot not to just crumble. But no, he was done crying, at least in front of Joe, and he turned his head away. "Just go back to bed. I should start packing up anyway. I'm going home tomorrow," he decided, fussing with the bed sheets on the mattress.

"I don't think you want me, I think you wanna use me to make a point," Joe repeated, because that was what he'd said to begin with. And he wasn't prepared to leave, not when Logan was so clearly on the verge of just falling apart entirely.

"So you really wanna just not be married to him anymore?" he asked curiously.

"No, Joe, I just said that to be funny," Logan replied from behind gritted teeth, not liking the way Joe was looking at him. He was used to the other man being sympathetic. Understanding. And maybe any other time he could have taken a step back and seen the situation Joe's way, but as it was Logan felt betrayed.

Unwanted.

He could feel his throat aching as he controlled his voice, not letting it crack or waver as he spoke. "I told you, just go back to bed."

"You came and got me for a reason and it sure as hell wasn't to kiss me," Joe pointed out, sitting right where he was. He had no intention of leaving just yet, his arms resting over his knees.

"I love you, Logan, and you're going through a lot of shit right now," he continued. "I know that and I can't relate to fucking half of it entirely, but that doesn't mean I don't care. You fucking know I do."

Logan didn't answer, he just stared at the wall. He could feel his body giving up though, and the next breath he took was more of a wheeze as he tried to swallow all the emotion inside him back down.

"Just go. I've really... I've embarrassed myself enough for one night, alright?" he said, the first tear falling.

"And what? A couple tears is gonna make it worse?" Joe asked, an eyebrow lifting as he touched Logan's shoulder again. He didn't care if Logan cried in front of him, he didn't care if he yelled and told him he needed to leave Neil. They'd figure their shit out one way or the other, Joe knew that.

"He'll come see you eventually, you know he will," he said. "And maybe it won't be easy, but you two will figure out what the fuck to do." Whatever that might be.

"Just stop, okay?" Logan said, his voice a harsh whisper. "Stop acting like it'll all work out. This isn't just going to go away Joe. This isn't just forgive and forget."

Pushing himself to his feet, he looked down at Joe and shook his head. "I knew you wouldn't get it. I don't know why I thought maybe you could. You're so wrapped up in happy endings, and life just isn't like that. Most marriages end in misery, and this one isn't turning out to be any different."

Grabbing his hoodie, Logan yanked it over his head and slid on his sandals. "I'm going out. Don't bother waiting up for me."

"Life isn't this fucking dramatic all the time either," Joe returned, not moving from where he was. He shook his head, watching Logan get dressed and stayed on the bed. "And I didn't fucking say it would work out, I said that you two would figure out what to do. That doesn't mean happiness and fucking rainbows, Logan, that means you'll figure it out, one way or the other. If it ends, it ends, but you'll figure that out eventually."

And maybe that wasn't what Logan wanted to hear, maybe he'd still take off and leave Joe sitting there, but it was the truth. He hadn't said that they'd get back together and be happy. He'd said they'd figure it out.

Logan was quiet for a long moment and then sighed, tears still staining his cheeks.

"I don't like it when you're pissed at me... And I'm done talking to you about this right now. "I won't be here in the morning, so if you need me... You know where I live."

And that was that. Shoving his hands into his pockets, Logan turned and left Joe's hut. But before he was even out of the Hamlet, the tears were flowing again and Logan was walking blind, his vision blurry and chest heavy with guilt and pain.

He didn't know where he was going, but he'd get there eventually. And tomorrow... Tomorrow he'd try and pick up the pieces by himself for a change.

Edited 2007-11-13 03:59 (UTC)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

(for Joe)

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject